A clean slate

There is something about an empty notebook, journal, planner, and calendar that makes me feel so hopeful!  It is a clean slate, waiting to be filled with memories, dreams, accomplishments, prayers, and letters to friends and family.   There are no mistakes.   No erasures.  No black marks through misspellings or errors.   Even as a small child, I LOVED shopping for new school supplies.  Sharp pencils, clean erasers, and empty notebooks.  Always empty notebooks.   Even today, I have a weakness for clean pages just waiting to be filled. 

I am a list maker.   A planner.    A record keeper.  A memory protector.   I find safety and comfort in words, schedules, lists, and records.   They keep me focused, productive, and constantly improving and growing.

2017 was a hard year.   Plain and simple.  So, I am not sorry at all to welcome 2018 and the "blank calendar" it represents.  I am hopeful and thankful for the chance to write a new story for 2018. 

I took a quiz today and it said my "word of the year" for 2018 was JOY.  It's almost scary how accurate that is for how my life needs to be.   I see a few promising possibilities in that word.

One is from a kids' Bible song.   J-O-Y, J-O-Y, tell me what it means.  Jesus first, yourself last, and others in between.  This is, in all honesty, exactly how we as Christians need to be living, and how I want every day to be!  Jesus doesn't just COME first, He IS first.  He is all.   He is everything.  Only when He is first can I have JOY.  I am praying for opportunities this year to put life in perspective and to put Him first in everything.  In my marriage.  In parenthood.  In my job as a travel agent.  As a babysitter.  As a Bible class teacher.  As a sister, a friend, a homeschool teacher, a Christian. 

Another is in contrast to what 2017 held for me.  I have always been prone to depression, but this year it hit me like no other.  In the past, I have had short (or sometimes longer) episodes of sadness and the typical emotions you relate to depression.  This time, it is different.  There is no sadness or feeling sorry for myself.    This time it has affected my focus, my concentration, my memory.  There are days when my husbands asks me what is for dinner and I have to admit that I don't know.   Not only do I not remember, I can't make the decision and he has to do it for me.    I have never felt so helpless and so reliant on others.  And on God.

I have learned (and am still learning!) much through this.  I have learned that it is okay to ask for help.  I have learned that I can't do it all.  I have learned that Philippians 4:13 is so very true.  I CAN do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me.   I may not be able to do them immediately or perfectly.  I may forget things.   I may mess up and I may fail.  But I can do all things that are needed for Him through Him. 

I have learned that some things are just "clutter" in life, and it's okay to let those things go.  It's okay to stay home sometimes.  It's okay to say no.   Did you hear me?  IT IS OKAY TO SAY NO!  I know I am not the only one for whom that is difficult.

So, as a new year comes barreling in, I am grateful to close the cover on the 2017 calendar.  I am hopeful about all that the blankness of 2018 holds for me and for my family.   I am blessed to have a church family that pitches in when I just can't anymore.  I am thankful for a physical family who will keep my children when my brain just needs time to rest and heal.   Most of all, though, I look forward to the JOY that is found only in Christ, the author and finisher of my faith, and the One through whom even the darker days are possible.