My "Aha" Moment

What I am going to write is probably a no-brainer for any of you out there who are naturally thin and/or do not have blood sugar or weight problems.   You’ll read this and say, “duh!  And I thought you were smart?”   However, for me, it was a real “aha” moment of truth and motivation.  

I have now been on Weight Watchers for a little over 7 months and have lost *only* 24 ½ pounds.  I say “only” because the first 10 came off quickly and the other 14 have been excruciatingly S……………L……………….O……………….W.   I lose a pound or two and then go weeks before I lose another.   Since Christmas, I’ve lost a whopping total of 4 pounds.  In three months.  UGH!  For someone who is as rigid as I am about strictly following the guidelines they give me, it has been so frustrating.  I have measured and tracked and monitored every morsel of food that has entered my body for 7 months.  I have weighed and grilled and sautéed with no added fat (except the occasional drizzle of olive oil for my healthy oils).   Still slow.  I’ve biked and walked and yoga-ed and stretched and lifted and tugged and raked and done all I can to burn off calories.  I’ve chugged 8-12 glasses of ice cold water a day.   I have never, ever, NOT ONCE gone above my weekly allowance of points.  And, yet, I have struggled!

The positives of my journey:  1.   I bought a size 8/10 Easter dress.  I have NEVER worn that size, probably even in elementary school!  I can’t wear everything in that size, but this particular dress was swimming on me in “my” size of 12/14.  I know it is just a tag, but it is also motivating.   2.  My leg (THE leg, the one that caused all the problems last summer) is improving.  Finally.   I can actually go for a walk with my kiddos without swelling up like a balloon.   3.  My fitness level has improved and I can walk or bike without my asthma flaring up every single time.   4.  My blood pressure is better.   5.  My mood is (generally) better.   6.  I sleep better.   7.  I only have 2 chins instead of 4.  Hahaha.  8.  I am healthier even though I can’t always “see” it.   9.  My kids are healthier. 

But, I know, you are really here to see what the big “aha” was for me, so I’ll get to it. 

Despite all the positives from this weight loss so far, I have one big negative.  For some reason, as I lose weight, my blood sugar is getting really wacky.   I’ve always struggled with LOW blood sugar and hypoglycemia, but now I am struggling with HIGHER numbers.  None of them are way high on the scale, but for ME they are high.   My A1C has even registered “hypoglycemic” in the past, and now, even after intense exercise and proper foods, I can barely get below 100, even fasting.   My fasting numbers are hovering right around the dreaded 100 mark, sometimes drifting above.  My post-meal #s are a good 40-50 points higher than what I am used to.  Still in the “borderline” range as far as diabetes goes, but definitely NOT where I want them, AND they are making me feel yucky.  No energy, exhausted, thirsty, and grouchy.  UGH.  

The other day at our meeting, our leader told those of us who are “stuck” on the scale to shake things up a little.  If we’re eating on the low end of our point range, move higher.  If we’re on the high end, shift lower.  So, I did.  On Thursday I completely shifted my food intake around and even added in some chocolate.  I have chocolate on occasion in the form of a mini candy bar or something, but that day I had real chocolate.  And, we had pancakes for dinner.  (Mine were whole wheat apple cinnamon pancakes with oat flour).  That night, I checked my sugar before bed, only to find it sky high (for me).  I must confess that I panicked a little.  But, then, I took action.  

I hopped on my recumbent bike and pedaled hard and fast for almost 35 minutes…at 9 pm.  I was furious.  Furious at my body for not working the way I wanted it to.  Furious with myself for not taking as good care of myself that day as I could have.  Furious that I even had to deal with all this, and furious that, at 9 pm when I wanted to head to bed early, I was on my bike sweating.  I’d already done a pretty intense workout that day, but I was mad.  And motivated. 

While I biked, I prayed for clarity about the situation.  I took deep breaths so I could survive the workout, and I mused about my problem.  By the time I finished biking, I had come to some conclusions and decisions. 

1.       My body is the body God blessed me with to use for His service, and there’s no point in resenting how it works or being angry about it.  God made me beautiful and special, and when I get angry about how my body functions, am I not questioning God’s wisdom of creation? 

2.      There is no sense in bemoaning the difficulties I face in losing weight.  That’s just how it is, and I need to accept it and move on.

3.      My choices matter.  I can’t do things ½ way or eat junk and expect my body to perform at top levels. 

4.      An extra workout isn’t the end of the world and it’s not worth my tears, anger, or frustration.

5.      I need to realize this is a “forever” thing.

6.      Don’t mess with “angry mama.” 

7.      I need to do my best every day and let that be enough.   I can’t let the scale rule my life.   I am beautiful and special and worthwhile no matter what the number on the flashing digital screen says.  

8.      My blood sugar is going to be an issue, and I need to be willing and prepared to deal with that.  

9.      A loss or maintenance is not a gain.  Every pound…or ½ a pound…is making me healthier. 

10.  I CAN do this.

As I write this, I realize that there is no way to completely verbalize the change that took place that night. As a matter of fact, it sounds so silly as I re-read it.   I’ve heard people talk about “the” moment in their health and fitness journey before, and I always thought they were a little loopy.  But, now, I understand.  And, I am ready.   And able.  And going to kick this problem in its tail and move forward!!